Years ago when I was working as a marketer, my Kiwi co-worker and I would fill the hours surmising that if only our fellow colleagues followed our advice, they’d be as blissfully happy as we were. Back then we were both smug, newly engaged twenty-somethings, whiling away the hours between email marketing campaigns. We’re still cocky, but I dare say our advanced years have mellowed us somewhat.

Recently my Kiwi confidant came across “The List” we developed (and embarrassingly distributed to those we felt were in need). As we wrote in The List’s introduction: this may seem harsh, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

For a Friday laugh, take a look at our advice (circa 2001) on how to snag a man….

Your Home

  • Keep beer and salty snacks on hand. The beer needs to be decent, not something cheap like Pilsner or anything from Saskatchewan.
  • Never offer a guy herbal tea. If it’s late at night and you’re cold, have a bath with Baileys. Suck it up, buttercup.
  • Ditch any small wicker baskets holding make-up and hair accessories. In fact, you shouldn’t have any wicker baskets around your place at all, unless you live with a twelve year-old girl.
  • Get rid of the stuffed animals
  • Hide any self-help or relationship books
  • No inspirational quotes – ANYWHERE. If someone gives you a “if you can dream it, you can achieve it” card, throw it out promptly.
  • No crosses over the doorway or displays of other religious propaganda
  • Minimize the number of pillows on your bed (two each side is plenty). This comment comes from a real guy.
  • Do not display any conference badges – even though it was awfully nice to be chosen to represent the company on an all-expense trip
  • If you have a cat, give it away immediately. This applies to small cat-like dogs as well.
  • You are not worthy of this list if you own a bird
  • Never refer to your pet on your answer machine
  • So Nice? So Good? So what! Chuck the soy bevies and don’t refer to any tummy troubles.

Appearance

  • Make an effort with hair and make-up, but not too much. Guys are afraid of crispy and spiky hair.
  • Only wear pink if you’re extremely confident and not too girly
  • Never wear pink and purple together
  • Halloween costumes need to be sexy. This is not the time to be creative or slack off!
  • Casual wear shouldn’t be sloth-like. Ditch the Husky sweats (the ones with the claw print on the butt) and anything with an elasticized waist.
  • No scrunchies. In today’s day and age, a simple hair elastic will do just fine.
  • Don’t wear ridiculously high heels then complain your feet hurt
  • Ban the following from your closet: long, flowery skirts, dresses that have no waist, but use a belt that ties at the back.
  • Don’t wear Sears or Zellers undergarments unless you want to get lucky that night
  • Thick bra straps scare men. So does beige. A lot of guys like simple black or white. Red is for whores. Some think lace is too scratchy and girly. Think strategically with your knickers!
  • You should not own knee-highs. It’s all or nothing.

Dating

  • Don’t bring up kids, marriage or the future. EVER. Let him bring it up and then blow him off the first few times he does.
  • Don’t ever send a card until you’re an official item and he’s in the hospital or something
  • Don’t make soup if he’s sick – even if you’re an item. Remember what what happened to Jennifer Love Hewitt on Party of Five?
  • The first gift you buy him should be subjected to the approval of another impartial male. Do not trust your girlfriends on this one.
  • Don’t agonize over what to order at dinner. Make up your mind quickly. Don’t ask the waiter too many questions. Don’t ask for your dressing on the side.
  • Don’t speak in a baby voice
  • Never say the following: “Oprah,” “in my opinion,” “read in a woman’s magazine,” “what do you think?”
  • You could mention you have a personal trainer, but never admit to having a shrink or life coach, unless he’s screwed up your relationship or his career and needs to be brought in for a session.
  • Don’t discuss your family unless the stories are funny. Stories about small children aren’t funny – they’re scary!
  • Don’t discuss alternative religions. Buddhism isn’t cool unless you’re dating a hippy/someone who wears MEC (same diff). In which case, why are you asking our opinion? You’re already a lost cause, baby!

Believe it or not, there’s more! This isn’t even half the list. What I find ironic is how many of these rules I broke myself. Still, who did we think we were? I’ll let you answer that one. You know I can dish it out. Let’s see if I can take it. Please comment below.

Have a wonderful weekend!